Mental Health Matters
One key part of healthy aging is connection. I think, as a society, we missed how important social and personal connection is….until COVID. During those years, we saw what could happen if we didn’t reach out, spend time together and relate with each other on a personal level. We tried to compensate with virtual meetings and drive-by birthday parties. To the extent possible, these helped bridge the gap. But the gap was still there, and it’s been highlighted for many of us in ways we didn’t see before.
In my counseling practice, loneliness is one of the core issues clients report in session. Surprisingly, clients often say, “Sometimes, I feel loneliest when I’m with other people.” Loneliness is also often coupled with anxiety or depression (or both), and people can begin shying away from social interactions altogether. Also, I often see clients who want to socialize or connect but who are isolated due to health issues. They say, “I’d love to get out, but I’m so tired all the time. And with my immune system compromised, every interaction feels like a threat. I don’t want to get sick on top of being sick.”
There are layers to the issues of loneliness, socializing, community and connection.
Again, I think it’s easy to miss some of the nuance for how loneliness shows up and how different it can be. Depending on circumstances, personality, access and even our health, loneliness can be different for each person. This month, let’s explore what loneliness is, how it differs from solitude and how it shows up in our lives, sometimes when we least expect it.
Loneliness vs. Solitude: Understanding the Difference
It’s easy to assume that being alone and feeling lonely are the same thing—but they’re actually different. One of the most important aspects of mental health as we age is the difference between loneliness and solitude.
One can quietly wear a person down. The other can restore and steady the mind.
Understanding the difference can actually change how we think about connection, independence, and emotional well-being.
What Is Loneliness?
According to the American Psychological Association, the definition of loneliness is:
- Affective and cognitive discomfort or uneasiness from being or perceiving oneself to be alone or otherwise solitary.
Loneliness is not about how many people are around you. It’s about how connected and comfortable you feel. How engaged are you with the people you’re spending time with?
Do you feel known by these people? Do they “get” you, know your likes and dislikes, understand your personality and like you even on days when you’re cranky? Do they celebrate the good times and offer a shoulder during a slump?
When we feel seen, understood and supported, we feel connected. A person can be surrounded by family, attend regular gatherings, and still feel deeply lonely if that connection is missing.
Loneliness might feel like:
- A sense of disconnection or being unseen
- Feeling like others don’t truly understand you
- A quiet emptiness, even during social interactions
- Longing for deeper or more meaningful connection
It’s less about quantity of interaction and more about quality. Loneliness can also be subtle. It doesn’t always announce itself clearly. Sometimes it shows up as irritability, low motivation, or a sense that something just feels “off.”
What Is Solitude?
Defining solitude is a bit trickier. In fact, there’s research trying to do just that.
In “Definitions of Solitude in Everyday Life”, researchers Weinstein, Hansen and Nguyen (2022) write, “To explore the defining characteristics of solitude, we asked adults to explore its meaning from their own perspectives.” They conclude that solitude comes in many forms (physical, public, companionate, total) and can be either positive or negative.
For example, we can choose and even seek out solitude. We might set aside a few minutes each morning for quiet reflection or take ourselves into the woods for a solitary walk, without friends or family. Some people sign up for outdoor vacations or even non-speaking retreats. There is something soothing and calming about solitude when people’s lives are busy and distracted.
When solitude is thoughtful, intentional and wanted, it can be quite positive.
We can also find solitude when we’re with others. A “dinner for one” reservation at a local restaurant can offer solitude, even though we’re in a restaurant full of people. Many of us find airplane rides calming, with hours of solitude – no phones or conversations or distractions.
For many older adults, solitude becomes more familiar—especially after retirement, children leaving home, or the loss of a spouse or close friends. And while those transitions can be difficult, solitude itself is not the problem. In fact, it can be deeply nourishing.
When solitude isn’t a choice, however, it dips can dip its toe into loneliness. And solitude can sometimes lead to loneliness. What begins as time to decompress can slowly become isolation. Seniors are especially vulnerable to this transition because they’re often limited in physical capacity, might have restrictions in driving or have simply outgrown certain social interactions (work, sports, social groups).
Like many of my clients, isolation is usually the outcome of something outside of their control – a health issue, the death of a friend, family that has moved away. It’s often not a conscious choice.
Why The Words Matter
Some people might be tempted to say, “Come on. Isn’t this just semantics? Loneliness….solitude….isolation. It’s all the same thing.”
In reality, the words matter. When we confuse loneliness with simply “being alone,” we try to solve the wrong problem.
For example:
- Filling the calendar with activities may not ease loneliness if interactions feel surface-level
- Encouraging constant socializing may feel exhausting rather than helpful
- Assuming someone is “fine” because they are independent may overlook quiet disconnection
The goal is not to eliminate time alone. The goal is to feel connected—to others, to your community and to yourself.
Pets, Companionship, and the Middle Ground
This is where companionship—especially through pets—often enters the conversation.
Pets can help bridge the gap between solitude and loneliness. They provide presence, routine, and a sense of being needed. A dog waiting for a walk or a cat settling beside you can soften the edges of an otherwise quiet day.
But pets are not a complete solution. Like all problems and answers, there is usually more than one approach, one answer or one path toward resolution. Pets can support emotional well-being, but they do not replace human connection. And as explored in this month’s feature, they also come with responsibilities that may not always be easy to manage.
The healthiest approach is balance—recognizing that connection can come from multiple sources.
Building Meaningful Connection
The answer to loneliness is not necessarily more people—it is more meaningful connection.
Some gentle ways to build that are:
- Deepening Existing Relationships
Rather than expanding your social circle, focus on one or two relationships that feel safe and genuine. Even small, consistent contact can make a difference. - Creating Routine Contact Points
Regular touchpoints—weekly calls, standing coffee meetups, or group activities—provide something steady to look forward to. - Engaging in Shared Purpose
Volunteering, classes, or community groups can create connection through shared experience, which often feels more natural than forced conversation. - Allowing Yourself to Be Known
Loneliness often decreases when we feel understood. This requires a bit of openness, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Learning to Value Solitude
Solitude can be soothing for many, especially when we’re tired or in periods of transition that require quiet reflection. As good as solitude can be, however, it’s worth asking:
Am I uncomfortable being alone—or just unfamiliar with it?
Solitude can be strengthened and enjoyed. Simple practices can help:
- Spending time outdoors
- Reading, journaling, or reflecting
- Creating small daily rituals
- Limiting unnecessary noise or distraction
When solitude becomes a place of calm rather than discomfort, it supports mental clarity and emotional stability.
A Balanced Perspective
A healthy emotional life includes both connection and solitude. Too much isolation can lead to loneliness. But constant activity without reflection can lead to exhaustion.
The goal is not to choose one over the other—but to find a rhythm that feels sustainable and supportive.
Final Thought
If there is one thing to take away, it is this:
Being alone is not the problem. Feeling alone is.
And the solution is not simply to be around more people—it’s to create moments of real connection, while also learning to feel at ease in your own presence
Both are skills. Both can be strengthened. And both are essential to well-being at any stage of life.