Mental Health Matters – Embracing All Our Emotions

Amy Phariss, LCMHC – Clarity Counseling NCEmotions are a natural part of being human. Though many of us want to escape certain emotions, being human means having feelings. We all experience a wide range of feelings throughout our lives, but society often labels certain emotions as “good” or “bad.” For example, happiness is seen as a “good” emotion, while sadness and anger are often viewed as “bad” emotions.

As a mental health counselor, I’ve seen how these labels can create unnecessary shame or resistance to certain feelings. In reality, all emotions are valid. Each emotion serves a purpose and can tell us something about ourselves, our world and what’s going on in the moment. Let’s explore why emotions are neither “good” or “bad” and how being open to all emotions leads to better emotional and physical health.

There are many reasons and ways labeling emotions has become common for Americans (and other people across the globe). First, cultural influences impact how we view emotions. Many of us have been conditioned since we were kids to think some emotions are okay (happiness, joy, hope, curiosity and forgiveness). We learned other emotions, however, are less acceptable. Anger, rage, pride and disgust are often seen as “bad.”

Depending on your culture and family environment, pride is experienced as arrogance and seen as negative. In other cultures or families, pride might be a positive emotion, part of confidence and agency. For some people, gender also complicates the emotional issue. Many women report not wanting to appear aggressive or angry, and some men view “sensitive” and “loving” as emotions that may make them weak or vulnerable. With the complications of culture and our own personal experiences, emotions can be heavily weighted toward one end of the scale or the other: good or bad. Rarely, however, is it that simple.

The truth is: all emotions have purpose. Emotions are signals, and if we listen with curiosity instead of judgement, we can learn a lot. If I am angry, for example, this tells me something feels unfair or unjust. I’m usually angry when I feel I’m being taken advantage of or if someone I care about is being hurt in some way. If my child’s feelings are hurt, I might feel angry. If I listen to that anger (instead of either avoiding it or reacting to it), I can better understand where it comes from, why it’s there and if there’s anything I need to “do” about it. If another kid hurts my child’s feelings, I might need to ask how my child is doing or check in. I might need to talk to a teacher or investigate further. Or, I might need to take a step back and do nothing. Kids hurt each other’s feelings. Maybe my child or grandchild can deal with it on their own. The point is to stop, listen without judgement and explore the feeling rather than brushing it aside or letting it take root and grow.

For many of my clients, happiness and peace are dangerous emotions. Often, people who had difficult childhoods get used to feeling stressed and anxious. They often say they’re “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” This anticipation of the negative becomes a baseline emotional state. While it might not be pleasant to be anxious most of the time, it’s comfortable because it’s familiar. We know what to do with fear, anxiety, hypervigilance and anticipation. What we don’t know how to handle is peace, contentedness or safety. In fact, a life without problems feels strangely unsafe. So, what some people would consider “good” feelings actually feel pretty terrible for some of us.

There are benefits to feeling all of our emotions, even those we experience as “bad” or with discomfort. A few examples include:

• • Anger can highlight boundaries being crossed or injustice occurring.
  • Sadness can signal that something important has been lost, giving us the space to process and grieve.
  • Fear alerts us to potential danger or the need for caution.

It’s easy to say: just be curious and embrace your emotions, but the reality of doing that can be challenging. How can we shift the narrative around emotions to a healthier, more balanced perspective? Awareness, mindfulness and practice are all helpful.

• Step One: Awareness of Avoidance: When we avoid emotions we label as “negative,” we may end up strengthening them or allowing them to manifest in unhealthy ways. The first step in avoiding avoidance is to become aware of when it happens. When do you avoid certain emotions? What is the fear if you feel these emotions or explore them further? Don’t try to do anything different, at first. Just increase your awareness that you’re avoiding an emotion and take note.
• Step Two: Mindful Emotional Regulation: Rather than suppressing anger or sadness, emotional regulation techniques (like mindfulness, deep breathing, and cognitive reframing) can help individuals manage their emotions in a healthy way. Once we’re aware of an adverse reaction to an emotion (avoidance, reaction, etc.), we can be mindful in how we cope. There are so many excellent resources online (YouTube) and even in the form of apps (Calm, Insight Timer) for helping develop mindfulness-based coping skills.
• Step Three: Practice & Real-Life Applications: Once you’re aware of which emotions are challenging for you, and you’ve identified 2 or 3 coping skills (deep breathing, journaling, walking, meditation), you can begin to practice in real life. I have clients who practice in traffic (anger, frustration), while speaking with someone (partner, spouse, children, boss) or even when they’re alone. When we’re alone, feelings of loneliness, shame, guilt or boredom are common. We can be aware of these feelings and cope with them in these moments, too. A good example might be when you’re alone and begin mindlessly scrolling on your phone, reading the latest news. What is the feeling? Boredom? Worry? Fear? Loneliness? Once you identify this, maybe you decide to cope by phoning a friend for coffee or taking a walk. Both of these options allow you to identify the emotion and then take positive action to address it. You might even decide to keep scrolling on your phone. The difference? It’s not mindless anymore. You know why you’re doing it and what purpose it serves.

With practice and awareness, we can actually build emotional resilience. The emotions we fear become pieces of information. We learn and grow. We no longer avoid or dismiss our feelings and ourselves. We become mindful and learn to explore our emotions without judgement. This curiosity has a great deal to teach us, and when we build our emotional muscles, we no longer fear being overwhelmed or blindsided by our feelings.

Awareness and reflection don’t mean we obsess about how we feel, unable to take action or get our work done. That would be rumination, which is the opposite of avoidance (though many argue rumination is just another avoidance technique). The point is to avoid being stuck – either in inaction or in worry/rumination. We don’t stay too long in any part of the cycle or awareness, mindfulness or practice. This takes a bit of time to develop, and much like any other muscle, we need periods of rest and to build our strength slowly and consistently. In this way, over time, we become stronger, and that strength is sustainable. We actually build capacity – capacity for emotions, connection and peace.

If you find yourself struggling with certain emotions, or if you simply want to exercise your emotional muscles, here are a few exercises to practice and keep on hand:

• Name it to Tame It

I know the name of this exercise is a little cheesy, but this works! When we name our emotions, we immediately take some of the sting out of them. If you find yourself feeling angry, for example, you can simply name the emotion: anger. If you find yourself a little down, you can name the emotion: sadness or loneliness. If you find yourself roaming around the house and looking for chocolate, you can simply note: boredom.

Once the emotion has been named, you don’t have to do anything else. Just naming it has a powerful effect.

• Explore the Wheel of Emotions

If you haven’t worked with the Emotions Wheel before, buckle up. It’s fun! Go online and type into a search engine: Emotions Wheel. Print it out. Then, start exploring. The wheel has a list of core emotions, and it expands outward into many other, similar emotions. It can be very empowering to identify not just anger but to also link it to humiliation, frustration, jealousy or annoyance. It’s amazing how much better you can feel when you understand not just the presenting emotion but the feelings underneath that emotion.

• Track Your Feelings

For many people, tracking feelings offers a lot of insight. You can keep a list on your phone or by hand. Just note, throughout the day, when you notice certain emotions. The more you do this, the more you’ll be able to see patterns and identify the primary emotions you feel and avoid feeling.

Hopefully, these exercises and the increased awareness you have about emotions will allow you to not only feel these feelings more often but help you make better decisions about how you respond, not just to emotions but to people, situations and even yourself!